Pains of Labour

I guess you could say that my childhood wasn’t the best. I don’t like to complain, of course. People in third-world countries have it much worse than me, and plenty of people in Australia itself had it much worse as well. 

My parents were rich! I didn’t really benefit from any of that wealth, living in a cupboard under the stairs and being worked to the bone while keeping me existence a secret, but golly, it sure made me feel important when they let me wax the ornate, sweeping balustrade! 

And look, I’m not a little Kathy Complainer, but I think all of that time spent on my feet, not allowed shoes, may have contributed to all of my visits to the foot specialist. Near Cheltenham, fortunately, because it’s gotten so bad that driving a car is physically painful. Can’t drive, can barely walk, and I’m still constantly wearing special cushioned insoles I got from my last visit to the podiatrist, because all my other shoes make me feel like I’m walking on…snakes. Or bindi weeds.

Yes, that’s perfect. It’s like constantly walking over a poorly kept field made entire of bindi weeds. I’m going to tell the podiatrist next time I’m in the office. Last time they asked why I didn’t wear shoes when I was growing up, and I couldn’t be honest. Mother and Father may have been very rich, but they had many outgoings as well, mostly for their vigilante justice jaunts. Cans of mace and mace-sharpening services (that is, the sharpening of the spikes on the maces that they carried around and used to beat criminals into submission) were NOT cheap. I know, because I was responsible for filing all the receipts. Sometimes I was even allowed the prestigious job of spraying the end of Mother’s mace with mace, to inflict blunt force trauma AND poison damage. 

So you see, there wasn’t much money for arch support insoles. Just bandages and a set of old pillowcases that I fashioned into my work uniform. The thought of going down to get children’s orthotics fitted in Cheltenham? Out of the question.

People would have known that they had a child! And that was unacceptable.