I thought that being a creature of the night would be more fun than this, but the truth is, it really sucks (not sorry about the pun). The television shows and movies tell you it will be all rave parties and drinking blood out of goblets like it’s red wine, but it’s nothing like that. Being a vampire is like being a zombie, except that you have a lot more weaknesses. Garlic, sunlight, stakes, the Bible (in fact, it’s not actually the Bible that we are weak against, but paper in general, since it’s really just a more condensed version of a stake), fire and even running water. Apparently having my head removed will hurt too, but I’m not brave enough to test that one out.
If only I could find the closest career consultant in the Melbourne area and say, “I don’t want to be a vampire anymore. I’d like to change careers and become a wraith instead.” Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. There’s only one way to cure vampirism and that’s by eating one of each type of apple the world has to offer. That would be such a long quest. Apples turn to ash in my mouth anyway, so it would be disgusting. I’m basically stuck as one forever. Dream of it all I want, there’s no point in getting career change advice. Melbourne citizens are stuck with me and I’m stuck with them.
When forced to choose one good thing about it all, I’d say it’s getting to sleep in a coffin throughout the day. When I was alive, I was a big night owl anyway, so I like only being awake during the night. I play plenty of video games and don’t even have to pay my electricity bill. That’s because I can prevent the power from being switched off with my magic powers, and when people come around to manually disconnect it, I turn them into rats and feed them to my pet lizard. I must admit, it does have some perks. Still, I wish I could just be a carpenter instead.