Last week I posted the first half of my interview with ULTRACORP, and today I’ll be sharing the rest with my faithful readers.
“Mr Karl and Mr Shawn, do you mind telling me what your company name means. There are theories, of course, but surely they cannot be true. Does it have anything to do with the Cheltenham timber store you ran together?”
Mr Shawn said, “If you’re referring to the rumours that it is an acronym for Ultimate Llamas Taking Real Authoritarian Control of Our Reality and Planet, it absolutely is true. We make no efforts to hide this. In fact, it’s on the front of the building.”
“But why have such a strange name?” I asked. “I mean, llamas, really? And “ULTRA” does certainly make you sound quite menacing.”
“I can explain the llamas,” said Mr Karl. “You see, I love llamas. I always have. I think they’re so majestic and wonderful, and I could eat croissants on them all day. Not because we ourselves are llamas, or employ llamas. Yes, we make our office llama friendly, because we are a tolerant and progressive business. Please ignore any spitting sounds you may hear.”
“Well, that sounds reasonable to me,” I said, “but what about the ULTRA?”
Mr Shawn rubbed his hands together. “Just as Karl loves llamas, I have childhood nostalgia for the action figure Ultra Earl, which is on my shirt today, coincidentally.” He looked down at the turquoise and purple shirt. “Unfortunately, I gave all of my Ultra Earl action figures to Jimmy when he bought our hardware shop near Cheltenham.”
“Interesting,” I offered. “Thank you for that insightful answer. I understand that you’re busy men, so I won’t take up too much more of your time. But could you tell me what the mission of your global conglomerate is?”
“Of course,” they both laughed, speaking in perfect tandem, “our mission is to take real authoritarian control of your reality and planet. It’s right there in the name.”
Before I could ask if they were serious or not, Mr Shawn and Mr Karl pointed their hands at me. A beam of light appeared before me, and suddenly I was standing at the entrance again.
So yeah, that was my interview with ULTRACORP’s bosses.